Sticky situation

In the past year, I have been in a great dilemma. A part of me desired to go left, another part contemplated going right. I may have taken baby steps to the left or right occasionally, but ultimately, after 1 year, I still find myself close to the middle, UNCHANGED.

Have you been in a similar situation before? Or maybe you are in one right now! This undecidedness has caused much distress in me. There are times when I just break down and cry at my own plight. Other times I am just furious with myself for being so weak. Why can’t I just choose left or right and walk on that path without turning back? Why does the grass have to look greener on the other side? Am I greedy? Or am I just in fear?

In times like this, I pray to God for direction. I pray that He make the choice glaringly obvious so I wouldn’t have to be in pain. God, in His supernatural ways, DO answer my prayers. He tugs at my heart, showing me how going left is gonna be painful and stupid, and how going right is sweet and promising. But maybe I am naturally rebellious, I try to debate with God, try to convince Him that maybe going left ain’t that bad afterall. Maybe I have decided from the start that I WANT to go left. Thus when He tells me to go right, I get angry at God. I ask Him why must He want me to do something I do not want to do?

A friend once told me that God will never force us to do something we do not like. This kept me thinking… Many prophets in the pass were martyed. Surely they didn’t like to die right? Or maybe they did yearn to die for Christ? Argh~ this is all too complicating!!

Christ laid down His life for us, thus we should also lay down our lives for Him. To die is gain, to live is Christ. These are familiar words we hear in church. But it is these exact words that I find it difficult to obey. May He grant me the strength to choose and live wisely. I pray that one day I could blog on how God transformed me into a self-dying Christian.